I’d love to write myself a letter and send it to the 14 year old me. If I could it would say:
I know you don’t understand why some people are mean and cruel but it’s really more about them than it is you. You are amazing and beautiful, that scares people and their reactions to their own discomfort are sometimes unpleasant. I can promise you that when you are all older you won’t care what these people think anymore. I can promise you that the scary English teacher won’t matter in even 5 years. I can promise that you and Wendy will make up. I can promise that your dreams are not hanging in the balance just because this group of people can’t seem to be decent. Let them go, they really aren’t worth your time.
I know you want so much to be a writer, a teacher, a minister, a psychologist, and so much more. Your dreams are so big and overwhelming sometimes. I know you feel like you don’t have any support but you do. There are people who love you and want you to succeed. You can be all these things if you want to be. You just have to do the research and find the right path. It’s there. Talk to the school counselor, get some college advise, start asking questions. Nobody is going to do any of this for you so you are going to have to realize that you ARE important and do it for yourself.
In a couple of years, a very handsome young boy is going to give you a ring and tell you that he plans to marry you. Don’t laugh at him. Keep that ring and cherish that boy. To heck with what other kids think. He is amazing and perfect and you can make a huge difference for each other right now.
Someday you are going to be a mom too. I know your mother and you don’t get along very well. I know you feel like she doesn’t understand you and really she might not. The point is that she does love you and want the best for you. She is doing the best she can. Try to cut her some slack and forgive the little things as they pass. She does a lot and once in a while a thank you might make her feel really great.
Don’t hang on to your pain and anger so tightly. What happened in 2nd grade doesn’t matter anymore to anyone but you. What happened last year doesn’t matter anymore to anyone else. What happened last week isn’t as tragic as you think. Life goes on. The world keeps moving. And the only one you hurt with all this agony and anger is you. Forgive yourself! You aren’t as bad as you think you are.
And when you do become a mother remember that hugs and kisses are an amazing gift to those kids. You do so great at showing them love, don’t worry. You will become such a good mother and they are great kids but remember they are kids. They aren’t little adults. Sometimes you will need to remember that you can’t treat your children like your best friends, because they are kids. Also remember to play with them, spend time with them, create as much fun for them as possible, and if they have dreams support them and encourage them. Reality and life will hit them sooner than anyone ever wants so just let them run with their dreams for as long as they can and who knows maybe they’ll even catch a couple.
Here’s a really important one. Happiness IS a choice. It’s not something we can seek or find or create. It’s a choice we make. We wake up and decide to just be happy. And from that choice we do things, say things, and create situations that help us maintain that happiness. I know that is a difficult one to understand but trust me.
Keep reading! Books are so valuable and such a blessing. You can learn so much from every single one of them. You especially tend to soak everything up like a sponge and who you are will in a large part be because of all the reading you have done. But don’t forget to get your nose out of the books too and just dance. Enjoy life. Experience. And then write it all down.
I wish I could wrap all of my life’s lessons up into one really simple letter for you. I wish I could keep all pain and harm from you. I can’t. Some of it you will have to experience so that you can become the person we are today and believe me you will like who you become, I do. But I hope that some of this helps ease some of the suffering that you put yourself through. So much of how you are feeling right now could change if you let it. It’s up to you. You ALWAYS have a choice.
Know that you are loved in this life and find some way to love yourself because that is key to creating a brighter reality for yourself. Accept that you are worth more than you think. Let go of all that negative self talk, it’s not true.
Take care and I’ll see you in about 27 years.